What You Didn’t Notice in Disney Movies When You Were a Child

After catching a cold that I needed to get rid of ASAP I placed myself under house arrest with nothing but books and movies to entertain myself with. Pairing this with a particular conversation about Disney movies I had with my cousin last weekend, I couldn’t help but watch these Disney movies with a new set of eyes – and boy did some material go over our heads as children!

If you’ve watched any Disney movies since you’ve hit puberty you will likely have noticed some of the items on this list but just incase you have not, here is a handful! Perhaps I’ll add more next time I come down with a cold. Or just want to watch another Disney movie.

Note: I’ve intentionally excluded all the common inappropriate moments (such as “sex” appearing in the breeze in The Lion King) because any Internet search will provide those.

The Lion King 

Lion-King-Logic_o_104138 What You Missed: How gosh-darn evil Scar is!

Yes yes, growing up you knew Scar was bad and threw Mufasa off the cliff into the stampede of wildebeests making him the obvious villain in this Hamlet-inspired story.But have you watched the “Be Prepared” scene lately?! Scar gives Hitler a run for his money in a race for diabolical schemes. Exhibit A: Scar recruits the hyenas to do all of his dirty work and even has them walk in Nazi-like fashion. Observe.

This just takes on a whole new level of evil. By recruiting henchmen, Scar was planning to keep his hands as clean as possible while pulling off the “coup of the century” by killing his brother and nephew all in one day. Guilting Simba into thinking it was his fault that Musafa died is just the extra evil frosting on Scar’s malicious plot-cake.

What You Missed: Nala’s bedroom eyes 20110727153409!Nala_the_LOOK600 I don’t really have much to say on the subject of lion mating but clearly Nala wants it. You go Simba.

Beauty and the Beast

What You Missed: Gaston’s highly inappropriate wink

Every Disney lover recalls Gaston highly conceited but catchy sing-along about himself. What many young Disney lovers might not remember is the following hint at Gaston’s grooming habits: Lefoo: Not a bit of him’s scraggly or scrawny! Gaston: That’s right! And every last inch (*WINK*) of me’s covered in hair! Disney – promoting manscaping since 1991.

What You Missed: Belle doesn’t actually get to eat all that much in Be Our Guest

Poor Belle, all that food and she never gets more than a taste. Being hungry sucks.

Aladdin 

images What You Missed: Genie’s affection – with boundaries  QzLShMn The Genie – keeping bromances alive since 1992. But no homo.

…AND NOW YOU KNOW

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Problems Only Book-Lovers Will Understand

Reading, while incredibly awesome and we will love it no matter what, is not without struggles. As the Olympics have wrapped up and we learned all about the obstacles our athletes have had to overcome, here is a sample of some issues that face an under-rated species of human – the book-lovers.

Being tired all day because you spent your night up reading  until the wee hours of the morning.

Tired readers

When the plot twist that forever changes your life happens…

Surprised Burt

…and you have to clear your schedule for the day.

Go away reading

When you want to read but some force of absolute evil is stopping you.

So much laundry

Similarly, when someone keeps trying to converse with you and it is not okay. 

Bitch I'm reading

Having to wait for sequels. 

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When you’re forced to buy a second copy of a book because you’re wearing out your first one. 

Book shopping

Getting legitimately angry with a fictional character.

Mad Brah

On the other hand, when characters are so awesome you wish they existed in real life.

LET ME LOVE YOU

When you want to know what happens to the characters after the book ends but there’s no follow-up.

Wondering

Reading a hilarious book in public and attempting to keep your cool.

Trying not to laugh 

A slippery sleeve on a hardcover book that just won’t cooperate.

Annoying book covers

When your bookmark escapes.

How Rude

Looking anti-social because you want to bond with the characters in your book instead.

Convo over

Knowing there will always be more books to fuel your obsession.

LOVE ME

Love and Life Lessons Gleaned From 90s Songs

Perhaps I have a biased opinion – I was born in the early 90s and got to experience most of the gloriousness that the music from the day has to offer – but don’t those catchy poppy little gems from the 90s and early 2000s offer great nuggets of wisdom? Let me share these life hacks with you now.

“One Week” by the Barenaked Ladies

Half autobiography half clusterfuck of words, this song taught us what it really means to listen. If you don’t pay close attention you will A) miss out on the juicy details of a romantic squabble between the narrator and his partner and B) your cue to yell out the words you actually can pick out (“…BACK-SWING!”).

Most of the lessons that we can actually make out from this song, besides the skill of speed singing, are mostly facts about the narrator of the song but some other seemingly small but highly-relevant life lessons we can learn include:

1. Romantic fights can last for a long time. Jeez, forgive the guy!
2. Sushi never touches a frying pan.
3. Vanilla is the finest of the flavours.
4. Vertigo-inducing activities require a waiver.
5. When you eat a drumstick from the Chinese Chicken your brain stops ticking.
6. If your golf clubs have big nubs they will always fly off your back-swing.
7. Birchmount Stadium is home of the Robbie.

“No Scrubs” by TLC

This song is a helpful mix of relationship advice, new vocabulary words, and a glimpse into history. Right of the hop, TLC kindly explains what, in fact, a ‘scrub’ actually is. If you were not previously aware, here is the Official Definition of the term “scrub.”

Scrub (n.) [scuh-rub]
1. A guy that thinks he’s fly.
2. A guy who always talks about what he wants and just sits on his broke ass.
3. A guy that can get no love from TLC.
4. A guy that is hanging out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride trying to holla at girls.
5. A guy who doesn’t have a car and is walking.
6. A guy who lives at home with his momma.
7. A guy that has a shorty that he doesn’t show love to.
8. Also known as a “buster.”

As we can see here, ladies and gentlemen, is that there are many ways to be a Scrub. According to TLC a male can be a Scrub but research has yet to determine if this is a two-way street that includes females. The wide-reaching definition of Scrub would also ensnare environmentalists and those who perhaps are paying off outrageous students debts. This is an unfortunate side-effect of such a precise definition but those who fall under those categories must simply work a little harder to gain the affections of a lady according to TLC.

With the updated dictionary fresh in our minds, what else can we learn from this informative piece of 90s music? Well in short, one does not want to be a Scrub. To do so would be lethal to one’s dating game. Become a Scrub and you might as well swallow romantic bleach. She will not want your number, no, and she will not want to give you hers. This will make it very difficult to continue communicating with the object of your affection.

But do not lose hope! In today’s technologically advanced society, one does not always need a phone number to pursue the fair lady. This is where “No Scrubs” shows us what life was back in the olden days. Today, although you may be without a phone number, you are not without options. Stalking on social media is always a good plan. People love when randoms who hang out in cars that are not their own poke them, tweet them, direct message them, like their Instagrammed photos, and check up on their FourSquare. User beware: if you have time to all that for a person who hardly gave you their time of day you may indeed be a Scrub. And a Creep (Creep).

“Genie in a Bottle” by Christina Aguilera 

(I don’t know why the videos aren’t loading here for this and the next song but I’m working on it. The link should be working though. Sorry!)

There are two very important lessons we can learn from this song.

Number one is that Christina Aguilera is, as we all have long-suspected, a genie. She lives in a bottle and there is a price to pay for her services. Not that I can blame her. She’s got some terrific talent that can keep you up all night. You do know I’m talking about her powerhouse singing voice right? (Pervs.) Everyone has spent at least one night in their lives dancing in their room well into the night belting out “WHAT A GIRL WANTS! WHAT A GIRL NEEDS!!!” without a care in the world. This is a prime example of Christina’s magic.

The second lesson here is that there is actually a technique to rubbing genie lamps. Who knew?! Apparently you can’t just rub them willy-nilly and expect magical wishes in return. I don’t know if Aladdin knew this or if he simply got lucky but I feel I have been living a lie up until I learned this vital information.  If you have been aimlessly rubbing lamps in hopes of some wishes you might want to give the song more attention and brush up on your technique.

“I Want it That Way” by the Backstreet Boys

First and foremost, this song is a prime How-To get people singing. And not just sing, the Backstreet Boys taught us how to perform. One cannot simply listen to this song without dramatically extending their arms, singing with their eyes closed, and genuinely, even if just for a moment, wanting it that way

If you’re a struggling songwriter and want to get a song that literally stops traffic when it comes on just so the people can sing, this is the song for you. Rumour is the Backstreet Boys, upon the release of this song, wrote a book with Celine Dion entitled “Power Ballads: Why Our Hearts Will Go On and Why We Want it That Way”.

Now to break it down further, we learn that couples who struggle with heartache, mistakes, or never wanting to hear the person say “I want it that way” should simply start asking each other key questions to really get into each other’s craniums. Questions like “am I your fire? Your one desire?” will help the asking party determine what makes their significant other tick. Communication is essential to any sort of relationship whether it be romantic, professional, sexual, platonic or all of the above (especially if its ‘all of the above’) and BSB does a great job at suggesting the questions you should be asking.

Life can be complicated and hard. “I Want It That Way” tells us this. Distance and the inability to reach to the other’s heart are obstacles many of us will face in the game of love. Things get particularly tricky when you never want to them say ‘I want it that way’ but deep down you actually want it that way.  Please be clear about this or no one will understand what you’re talking about.

Discovering which way is the Official That Way is also an ongoing research project that I have been conducting since the song’s release in 1998. I will inform you all of my findings when they emerge. I’m sure the results will also be full of lessons.

“Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy

Did you get caught cheating? Well first, you should really ensure that you haven’t given your (official) boo any keys to your house as we learned that doing so can lead to these awkward situations. Should you in fact get caught red-handed simply deny everything! It doesn’t matter if s/he claims to have caught ‘you’ on the counter, banging on the sofa, even having them in the shower, or heaven forbid she caught you on camera – DENY DENY DENY! Sees the marks on your shoulder? Wasn’t you. Heard the words you told them? Wasn’t you. The logic here is flawless. 

Shaggy doesn’t offer much insight into what you should do after you deny freaking with the girl next door or what to do if they don’t believe that it was in fact your long-lost twin with a key to your apartment that she caught in the act but this is not his problem. He has spun you a web so perfect, it was probably you who messed up the execution of the plan.

Let’s sum up: You don’t know what to do? Say it wasn’t you.

“The Macarena” by Los Del Rio

This song taught you the most recognizable dance in the world.  Some schools in Latin America actually implemented Macarena exams that you had to successfully pass before entering the workforce. While I can only speculate as to the validity of that statement, I can promise you that you have danced The Macarena. If not, your only other option was to be That Guy at your uncle’s wedding when everyone is laughing as they dance and you sit in your chair looking like a stick in the fun-squashing mud. 

The Macarena is always socially acceptable. It is truly a life hack for dancing. Just because none of us know the name of the band off-hand does not mean you don’t know the dance. It can just be applied to so many scenarios. Say you were just born for the dance floor: you’ll thrive at the chance to get your twinkle toes moving. For those who do not know how to dance, well you don’t exactly need rhythm do you? If you can  physically move your arms and even somewhat remotely twist your hips, you’re golden in the eyes of Los Del Rio.

You can even dance the Macarena ironically. Say you’re at a club and the ladies just aren’t feeling your fist pumping in their faces. Start doing the Macarena and soon you’ll have a different set of hands on your hips.

It boils down to this: you need to know this dance. For better or for worse, it has stood the test of time. Don’t believe me? Do you really think people will still know Soulja Boy’s dance to “Crank That” in 20 years? False. Do you even know it now? MACARENA FOR THE WIN!

“Wannabe” by the Spice Girls

Ahhh the classic. The epitome of what was great about the 1990s – the Spice Girls. We’ve learned much from these girls but “Wannabe” of all their songs offers some great relationship or pickup advice.

Is your game just not quite what it used to be? Well let the Spice Girls tell you what they want (what they really really want) and you’ll be beating chicks away with a stick. This song is a manual of love’s Dos and Don’ts.

While this list will not do it justice, here is a brief sum of information that we ladies wish all men knew when trying to approach us.

  1. if you want her future, forget her past.
  2. If you wanna get with her, you better make it fast because sometimes girls just want to know what’s up. You don’t always need to take it slow, says the girl group.
  3. If you have your act together you will be just fine. Much like TLC, these ladies want a man with maturity and a general sense of togetherness.
  4. But DO NOT go wasting her precious time because if you really bug her then she’ll say goodbye.
  5. And most importantly – gentlemen write this down – if you want to be her lover, you gotta get with her friends. I’m just going to assume she means that she wants you to  talk to and hang out with her friends. The semantics of this advice may be implying a different activity with her friends but chances are this is not what she meant. You enter at your own risk (hehe) if you actually get with her friends.

Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Consider yourselves much more learned, wise, and love-savvy. If I do a part two, what songs would you want to learn about?

I also apologize for putting together a list of the most catchy songs in the world. I can only imagine the mash up of 90s pop that’s now stuck in your head.

Why You Need to Read More

Alright guys, time to fess up: when is the last time you read something that was not homework? I’m talking about for fun here, no one made you read it and you’re not getting marked on your understanding of it. No participation grades here.

If you can say within the last month then by all means I applaud you, especially if you’re a student.

However if you can’t think of the last time you held a book or periodical in your hands we need to have a little chat. Step into my office. These are some signs you need to tab over from Perez Hilton and shift your attention to something a little more beneficial to your overall life:

  1. You can tell me exactly how much weight Snooki has lost but can’t list one benefit of protein.
  2. You know what projects Kim Kardashian works on but draw a blank on what the Manhattan Project is.
  3. Your idea of catching up on the news is reading your Facebook timeline.
  4. You hurry to a restaurant if someone tells you to run like you’re in the Hunger Games.
  5. You get called a Muggle and don’t even understand what you’ve just been told (proving Muggle status).
  6. You think the only way to get a general knowledge of a topic is to Google exactly what you’re looking for.
  7. You can list off what LMFAO, LOL, ROFL, AFK, and BRB all stand for but acronyms like HIV, NASA, AM/PM, BC/AD, or even P.S. give you trouble.
  8. You know National Geographic as the magazine that had pictures of boobs.
  9. Your mind will be blown when I tell you Romeo and Juliet were teenagers who knew each other for merely days before they killed themselves.
  10. You know more about Anna Kournikova than Anna Karenina.

How’d you do? I know we all enjoy knowing what’s going on with our favourite celebrities but we can’t just settle with this information and call it a day. Perhaps you’re very busy and miss reading for fun or perhaps you just don’t enjoy reading period. Whatever the reason, it is truly in your best interest to pick up some literature and dive in. There’s so much out there you cannot possibly convince me that there is nothing you’re interested in. Its all just a matter of finding what you enjoy learning about.

It happens
It happens.

Below is a list I put together of reasons why you should blow the dust off those books you said you would read but haven’t yet. Maybe its the sapiosexual in me but I truly believe we can all improve ourselves with a little mental workout every now and again.

1. So you can understand cultural references. 

Do you know how many expressions/allusions originate from books? The answer you’re looking for is “countless.” From classic opening lines such as “call me Ishmael” (Herman Melville’s “Moby Dick”) to 2013’s sayings-du-jour like “may the odds be ever in your favour” (from Suzanne Collins’ “The Hunger Games”) there are few better moments of insight when you truly understand the reference someone is making and because you not only understand the meaning behind said allusion but also what it is they’re telling you becomes so much more clear.

2. So you can better connect with people.

How cool is it when you can carry on an actual conversation about something that interests you? Its a wonderful moment when you can discuss and debate your favourite book.

cb7285d366496e4a928e3694a8d49f2e

3. So you can honestly understand what people are talking about.

You know that feeling you had when you told the teacher you did your homework and sat there silently praying they didn’t ask you a question about it because you did not actually do said assignment? Same applies when someone references a classic novel or important piece of news. You’d be surprised how often these references will appear in the most random places and when that lightbulb goes off you feel like you’ve been let into a secret club. Only those who read it will understand and this fills you with a great sense of power (just use it for good, not evil). Read “Pride and Prejudice” even once and you will find Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy everywhere. I know you already said you already have so just finally read the damn thing for real!

4. To keep up with what’s going on around you.

It is so easy to lose sight of the big picture and sometimes when you’re busy it does happen. I’m not here to judge. I’m simply saying you would better off in the long run to keep up with the world’s events than the Kardashians. There are bigger and more important things going on in your country and the world around you than your friend’s #SelfieSunday Instagram.

5. The books are always better than the movies.

As good as the movie can be, the books almost always hold so much more story to learn about and connect with. Why spoil the major plot twists by watching the movie first?

1361493705-1361493705_goodreads_misc

6. Intelligence is sexy.

With the infinite number of things you can learn from reading you’ll become well-rounded and this is a highly attractive quality. Obviously you can have your areas of expertise but there is a magazine containing a mix of information on pretty much any topic you can think of. Magazines are basically scaled down textbooks on glossy pages. By the time you finish it you don’t even realize how much you learned. Easy peasy. If you doubt me just ask Ryan.

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7. To escape.

I read somewhere that a good book is the cheapest vacation you can take. How else can you wander the streets of Victorian London with Sherlock Holmes one week then end up in Middle Earth entering battle with great wizards the next? What if you wanted to live the life of  jazz-age flapper with Daisy in New York before making your way to war-torn Afghanistan and discovering how to kite run? Anyone who knows me knows how much I would love to go to Hogwarts and my ticket to Platform 9 3/4s comes via a book. Not only can you enter the world(s) of the book’s characters but you get to leave the troubles and stresses of your own life for awhile. All without actually leaving that cozy blanket.

8. Because Hermione Granger didn’t become so awesome by ignoring the wizarding world’s literature.

images

Need more reasons? 

This guy knows what’s up.

Hot Yoga: A Timeline of Thoughts

Before Arriving at the Studio

11:15 – Oh man I need to hurry up if I want to get there on time! Where are my towels?!

11:17 – Okay, do I have everything? Towels? Check. Water: Check. Mat: Check. Let’s gooooo.

11:25 – Am I the only one who knows how to drive?! Don’t other drivers know I have relaxation time to get to? Gawd.

11:26 – This attitude can’t be good for my practice. Let’s rehearse breathing nicely while singing happy songs.

11:33 – “OOPS I DID IT AGAIN TO YOUR HEAAAAAART GOT LOST IN THIS GAME OOH BAYBAY!!”

At the Studio

11:40 – Alright I made it. Time to be blissful.

11:41 – How much is that Ying Yang tank top? Its really cute. $35?! I can’t. The struggle is real today.

11:45 – Everyone here looks like they just stepped out of a Lululemon catalogue. Is my outfit yoga-y enough? Is that a word? No one judge me. I feel like MCHammer in these shorts.

11:46  – Well let’s go in. Nothing I can do about my outfit. They just can’t touch this.

In the Classroom

11:47 – Oh this isn’t too bad! I can work with this temperature.

11:48 – Where should I put my mat? Hmm not the front of the class. I kinda wanted that corner but would that lady think I’m weird? If I snuggle up next to Miss Corner Thief she will think I’m a little odd. I know I would judge me.

11:49 – Corner close to the door it is. Ooh maybe I’ll be able to feel the cool breezes when the door opens. Muahahaha!

11:50 – Alright, we’re lying down now. Let’s get comfy.

11:51 – Do I look weird with my eyes closed? I don’t know what to with my hands! How do I normally have my hands when lying down?! Omg and then there’s feet. That’s a whole different issue.

11:52 – Am I starting to sweat already? Jeez. Alright, well now that we’re comfy let’s empty our head of thoughts and get ready for getting our yoga on! I’m totally going to go HAM on this no-thinking thing! I’ll be one of those good yogis with the quiet brains.

11:54 – Do pigeons have feelings?

11:55 – SHUT UP BRAIN, NOT NOW.

11:56 – I can justify $35 for the tank top right? It would really bring out my calm and blissful personality whenever I wear it. Or I could wear it to my next class. Hmm would that be weird seeing as they sell it here? Would that look like I was trying too hard?

11:57 – This isn’t a quiet brain. That lasted for like 30 seconds which was pretty good for me. Let’s try again.

11:58 – Not thinking…not thinking…just breathing…

12:00 – And we have lift-off! But I was comfy lying down…Well, we’re not going to get abs lying down!

12:01 – God I want some abs. Do you think all these Sun Salutations will bring them out? Like if I really stretch will they just appear and stay there?

12:05 – Well hello legs…why are you so hairy?! Is this real or is it because my nose is practically touching my knees?! Oh dear. When’s the last time I shaved?

12:06 – I probably should’ve shaved before I came. I look like a yeti. Has anyone noticed? The lights are dim but who knows. Maybe someone here has laser vision?

12:07 – Hahahahahahaha imagine a yeti doing yoga!

12:08 – Don’t smile or you’ll look like a crazy person. Miss Corner Thief will definitely think you’re nuts.

12:09 – But a yeti in Dancer’s Pose would be so funny!

12:20 – Dude, I just held Crow Pose for like 7 seconds! New record!

12:21 – K we’re definitely getting our sweat on now. I feel like a racetrack for beads of sweat. My body is officially the Grand Prix of Perspiration. COOL.

12:27 – Man, look at that chick. She’s like a pretzel. Or a cooked spaghetti noodle.

12:28 – I’m hungry.

12:30 – Oh my God I’m so sweaty. Let’s take a look around to make sure I’m not the only standing in their own self-created Great Lake.

12:31 – What the eff? Why isn’t that chick sweating? She has a nice glisten while I might as well grow some gills and just accept that I’ll be swimming in my own sweat soon. With my luck I’d get gills instead of abs.

12:35 – What would I wear with that Ying Yang tank top?

12:38 – Quick transition into Baby Cobra you say?  Non-chalent face wipe onto the towel it is!

12:40 – This is getting hard. How am I supposed to do Eagle Pose when I’m so slippery and tired? Maybe my leg hair will bind together and help me hold the pose. Is that possible?

12:41 – What the Hell am I talking about? Its getting weird up in here and I’m blaming the heat.

12:52 – Please tell me we’re going to sit soon! Why do I put myself through this torture?

12:57 – Oh my goodness sitting rocks. Lying down is even better. This is the best part of class. Shavasna is my best friend.

1:00 – I survived! I am flexible! I am strong! I AM WOMAN!

1:01 – I don’t even know what that means. Obviously I am a woman. Ugh, whatever, I’m too tired to care. Let’s lie here in bliss for a little longer.

Questionable “Harry Potter”-inspired Parenting Advice

 Perhaps it is time to shake up your mundane Muggle parenting techniques or you just simply feel as though you were Obliviated and have absolutely no idea what you’re doing. Whatever your reason,why not teach your children with advice that is inspired by the Wizarding World? Its just your children’s future, how bad can it be? 

1) Sort your kids into Houses once they reach the age of eleven. To do this, buy a hat, place it upon their heads, and based upon their characteristics and qualities, sort them into one of the mighty houses of Hogwarts. Prior to their sorting you can encourage good behaviour by reminding them that they don’t want to end up in Slytherin. Or worse – Durmstrang!

Tip: Decorate their bedrooms according to their house’s colours and symbology! What fun!

The_Sorting_Hat_by_twilinympho

2) You could also allocate or take away House Points as your children complete chores, do their homework, and based upon other good or bad deeds.

HousePointsChartAlt

3) When kids misbehave, put them in time-out and hand them a Time-Turner. Ask them what they did wrong and how they should’ve handled the situation. After taking away House Points for naughty behaviour, points can then be earned back according to the quality of their answer.

"No, Harry, that was wrong. Let's try again."
“No, Harry, that was wrong. Let’s try again.”

4) Your little Hinky Punk won’t eat their dinner? Tell them how sad the house elves will be when they see how much of the food they so lovingly prepared is left over. When Dobby sees how much asparagus is left on that plate Dobby will be very sad and nobody wants a sad Dobby. As long as the kid doesn’t threaten to call S.P.E.W. you’re alright.

If this doesn't make you sad, you're a Dementor!
If this doesn’t make you sad, you’re a Dementor!

5) While you should never force your children to sleep in a cupboard under the stairs, you don’t want to go all Dursley on your Dudley. That kid was spoiled rotten and his attitude and chins showed it. Be sure not to reach a stage where the kid rules over your household and you become their personal house elf. There isn’t enough birthday presents or birthday cakes to keep those kids happy.

Every time you spoil a child, Dudley grows a chin
Every time you spoil a child, Dudley grows a chin

6) Teach your kidlets not to share information that will jeopardize their safety and security by telling them what happened when Hagrid told the stranger in the hood about how to get Fluffy to snooze or when Neville lost the list of Gryffindor passwords.

Don't be this guy, kids.
Don’t be this guy, kids.

7) Teach your knee-biters about saving money by telling them about how they can get their own vault at a place like Gringotts. Whether you actually want to take them to a place filled with mean little goblins is your choice but I’m sure Griphook would be proud of your little saver.

Looks like a trustworthy face
Looks like a trustworthy face

8) Uh oh, there’s a death in the family. Take this time to teach your child about that while death is sad, it is also inevitable. So many of our beloved magical friends did not make it to see Voldemort’s end but even then the Deathly Hallows won’t bring them back to a happy life. Even Nicholas Flammel had a chat with Dumbledore and called it quits so live like Fred Weasley (may he rest in a laughing peace) and make sure every moment is full of laughter.

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9) Your little spawn still won’t eat those veggies? It might be time to make a non-chalent comment about how Flitwick also never ate his greens and now he’s too small to play sports. Or have dessert.

Professor-flitwick

10) If your little guy has no interest in a subject or their teacher keeps making a Trelawney of it, simply hire a centaur to teach it. Everything just got instantly cooler. Also a good time to tell your children about respect and equality!! We don’t want them going to the way of Umbridge.

About to go HAM on teaching Divinity!
About to go HAM on teaching Divinity!

11) When those rug-rats want a pet that is too much responsibility for them, don a moleskin coat, a shaggy and wild hairdo (paired with beard!) an’ explain to yer kids tha’ they need teh know how ter properly care fer Flobberworms before they can care fer tha’  Norwegian Ridgeback.

Listen to the professional, kids!
Listen to the professional, kids!

Long time no talk…

Hey guys, so this blog is still active, I’ve just been very busy writing for my school program and most recently on my trip to Abu Dhabi. I promise I will start posting on here more often! Perhaps I’ll make it a goal to write and post once a week… Hmm. I like this idea.

In the mean time, go and check out my travel blog, “The Adventure”, right here http://jellybelly12.wordpress.com

Enjoy and I’ll be back to blogging here in the next couple of weeks!

Top 10 Reasons Why I Wish I Went To Hogwarts

Dear Reader,

I am pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to my blog to read about why I wish I attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all the reasons why this is so. Reading begins once you have finished this paragraph. I await your comments and appreciation by owl no later than upon completion. 

Yours Sincerely, 

Jennifer,

Blogger and Potterhead

 

1. It appears to be free! 

No one who has ever been to a post-secondary institute in Canada can under-appreciate the free ride that Hogwarts students seem to get. While I am nearing the end of my degree, I am faced with the gut-wrenching task of coming face-to-face with my nightmare: student loans. While the Weasleys were not financially well-off, they certainly didn’t have to worry about tuition. A few cauldrons, books, and owls cost pennies compared to what we students have to pay just to go to these classes. So how do they do it? I have yet to read about wizard taxes going to the upkeep of the school – the students just seem to go! I could be wrong though, I haven’t read a Daily Prophet in ages.

2. You only need to complete your OWLs and NEWTs to get a career!

Now after you’ve sold all your limbs and spare organs to pay for your degree, you are still not guaranteed a job in the real world. You actually need to pass your classes in both high school and post-secondary. Once you’ve added all this decoration to your resume the best you can do is cross your fingers and hope you get a job you enjoy and have the credentials for. Not Hogwarts students! They seem to have a pretty clear idea ahead of time of what they want to do and the positions come with exact requirements. While it may suck to have to take another year of Potions, at least you know it gets you one step closer to becoming the Auror you’ve always wanted to be. None of this wishy-washy, unclear credentials business you find here in the muggle world. PLUS they attend Hogwarts from the age of 11 to roughly 17. Consider in the fact they do not need a post-Hogwarts school, they have not only saved a lot of time but a ton of Galleons too.

3. Practical and Interesting Courses!

I don’t care how creepy (or awesome) Snape sounds and how much of a jerk he can be, if I was taught how to make something magical from throwing a bunch of ingredients into a pewter cauldron I’d so be down! Learning to transfigure things? Who doesn’t need to know that?! “I’m sorry honey, we’re out of spare goblets for the Yule Ball tonight.” “Oh no worries dear, we’ll just use the rat that’s been running around the garden.” So. Many. Problems. Solved. I on the other hand struggled through high school math only to never use it again. And people say Herbology is lame.

4. Location, Location, Location!

Look at the Hogwarts grounds! Seriously. Look at it: 

How friggen cool is this place?! You’ve got not only the coolest-looking castle around, but a Quidditch pitch, a lake (complete with giant squid and merpeople), but also the Forbidden Forest. Think of the scholarly opportunities that the grounds alone provide: Meeting new species in the Forbidden Forest, learning about gillyweed in the lake, or the aerodynamics of broom-flying. This campus is ripe with resources just waiting to have primary research conducted upon it. There is also so much space to do things like read Hogwarts: A History, run from werewolves, chase unregistered Animagi, eavesdrop on Hagrid’s love-life. The possibilities are endless when your school is as bad-ass as Hogwarts.

5. The Castle Ghosts!

While Harry and his peers don’t describe having a ghost pass through you as the most comfortable sensation, it would still be pretty cool to befriend someone who lived in a different century as you. Think of all the information you could find out, all the Headless Hunts to watch, and Death Day parties to avoid. Ugh. I just wish my university had ghosts. Just maybe not the Bloody Baron. He seems little too intense for my liking.

6. Owl Post!

Everybody loves getting mail. Now add to that the excitement of getting your envelopes and packages dropped above your head from a great height! Not only will your hand-eye coordination improve (out of necessity) but having an owl buddy who brings you your stuff will make you feel that much more important. Heck, if letters regarding my student loans were dropped off in such a manner it might take away a few tears and soften the blow (probably not, student loans are comparable to Dementors).

7. Did I mention its a castle?! 

I’ve always loved castles. Since I was young I’ve been fascinated by them. My dream come true would be to run around a castle with towers, spiraling staircases, and a mystery in every room. If I went to Hogwarts I would run around like a sugar-fuelled child, springing from room to room absorbing the history of the 1000 year-old building. I just hope I don’t open the door with Fluffy behind it. Or the Chamber of Secrets. Or Umbridge’s office. *shudders*

8. Quidditch!

I don’t even have to make the house team, I would just be happy with an intramural Quidditch league. I wouldn’t even be upset with the fact that there doesn’t appear to be any other sports in the wizarding world other than this. It is simply a beauty of a game. On broomsticks.

9. School Spirit and House Rivalries!

Every year the Sorting Hat comes up with a new song about Hogwarts. This spirit is reflected in how far Hogwarts students will go to prove how awesome their school is (although it is pretty self-explanatory). Each student will also fight tooth and nail in a battle of “Which is the Best House?”. Every school year the houses compete for not only the Quidditch Cup but the House Cup. Students will duke it out all year to win although as long as Slytherin doesn’t win its all in good fun. Sorta. Not Really. If my house won I would join the rest of my house as we flashed our house-coloured ties in everyone else’s sorry faces. A little competition is great for a school and makes for rivalries that last a lifetime (I’m looking at you here, Harry and Malfoy).

10. The Food and Feasts!

Go all S.P.E.W. if you want but those house elves know how to put out a spread! Plates that magically refill themselves once empty? Its a student’s dream! And we’re not talking prison-food mush here – we’re talking about legit dinners with appetizers, various meats, and desserts. So much desserts. And on the Halloweens where no trolls find their way into the dungeons or on the Christmases that you couldn’t bare to go back to the Dursleys’ (all of them) you can just stay and feast under the unparalleled decor until you’ve had your fill of pumpkin juice and toddle off back to your dormitory. Or until Filch tells you to get a move on.

While this list is by no means exhaustive, I must return to my muggle homework. I do not have any enchanted quills that can write my report for me.

“Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home,” – J.K. Rowling 

Video Analysis: Backstreet Boys

Song: Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)

Artist: Backstreet Boys

Year Released: 1997

Level of Awesome: 6/10

Fromage Factor: 9.5/10

Reminds Me Of: Before-school daycare in grade 3

General Comments: How did my least-favourite member of BSB get the best costume?

Analysis: Well it starts off that the BSB’s bus broke down again. Rats! How is that the Backstreet Boys can’t afford a proper bus? Well judging by Howie’s overalls things aren’t going so well for our beloved boy band. Nick can’t even find a football jersey that fits him. Oh well, they should probably seek shelter from the thunderstorm at the creepy abandoned(?) mansion. That always turns out well.

While making themselves at home we can see that the BSB lads have decided to throw themselves a party and invite all their female friends to come dance stiffly with them. The fact that they all pulled this choreography out of nowhere should have given the boys enough of a heads up that creepy things would happen but apparently this wasn’t a big enough sign. Woops, now Brian is a werewolf.

Now instead of dancing women we have a house full of creepy old people, girls who lick coffins, and a chick who seems to control the wind but not do much else. Oh well, might as well take this time to enjoy the rat-infested feast with AJ, the Phantom of the house. Oh dear! After a series of “yee-aaah”s we find out Nick, our little cutie Nick, is actually a mummy! And Kevin – poor Kevin, is half man, half… Aquaman? Half lizard? What the hell is he? Oh well, turns out Howie has become a top-hat loving vampire. At least he showed up looking dapper. Perhaps he’s compensating for the overalls he wore earlier.

Now they’re just going to sing and dance along as their monster-selves for a little bit. But can we just take a moment to appreciate how sincere Nick tries to look when he caresses himself, asking if he’s sexual? And also, why is Brian wearing a fur coat? He’s a f***ing werewolf! Why does he need another coat of fur?! I’m amazed he didn’t overheat after doing all those back-flips around the mansion. Maybe I’ll ease up, it was the 90s after all. We cannot explain what happened in that decade, it just did.

Well that’s a relief, they turn back into their human selves just before the final big dance number. Oh it was a dream!! Thank God. But wait – why did they all have the same dream? Cue the creepy bus driver and the realization that it wasn’t a dream after all! This was definitely the Halloween episode of BSB’s music videos. Terrifying.

Final words: Its good to know the lads could all still get girls, even in their monster forms. Except Kevin. He remained forever alone.

Cast Away – Inspired by “Message in a Bottle” by The Police (Short Story)

Hey guys so this is the first short story I’m posting on here! I wrote it today and got the idea from The Police’s song “Message in a Bottle”. If you are unfamiliar with that song, there’s a YouTube link at the bottom of the story. Let me know what you think!! 

Running my fingers lazily through the sand, I lie on my back with my eyes closed. As I lie there I notice how warm the sun feels on my bronzed skin. I feel the breeze course through the holes in my clothing and ruffle my hair.

I sigh and sit upright. I brush the sand off my tattered clothes and rise to my feet. I look around myself but once again I am alone. Another lonely day. I’ve walked this island hundreds of times and find no sign of life beyond the vegetation, crustaceans, and myself. No one here but me.

Picking twigs and leaves out of my hair I walk to the ocean. As usual it is warm and I look out to sea, searching for any sort of sign that I am not the only human in this part of the world. I watch the waves emerge endlessly from the horizon and ponder how far the nearest shore is. This contemplation has become a daily occurrence, part of my morning routine, but I have yet to actually attempt such a grand swim.

I sit while eating my breakfast – a small crab. As I pick at the remaining meat I am suddenly struck with an idea. I do not know how it hasn’t occurred to me before. In my excitement I drop the half-eaten crab onto the sand and run to my makeshift shelter of fallen tree trunks, palm leaves, and branches. I enter and eye my belongings closely, searching for the appropriate items. I spot a bottle and rumpled parchment quickly – this is not hard as I don’t have many possessions. In fact I was lucky enough to have this satchel, pre-packed as it was intended to be used on a two-day journey on land. In some ways I owe my ongoing survival to this satchel. Without my knives, clothes, and other tools and apparatus I would not have been able to build the traps and water basins that have kept me alive.

I hastily grab the crinkled parchment and an empty bottle, turn to leave but stop myself. I search for the remaining vital component to my plan – the cork. Without it my plan is almost futile. I search high and low in my hovel, my heart racing after every minute that passes without spotting my prize. To my enormous relief I find it in a corner, half-buried in the dirt. I brush the tiny cork off and hold my breath as I test its fit into the bottle. To my great surprise it slides in perfectly without being too loose.

I take my items to the ocean. When I discover the bottle is still waterproof I smile for the first time in weeks, perhaps months. The last time I smiled was when I realized the irony of my situation: I went to sea seeking an adventure in a foreign land and I end up in the most dangerous and adventurous situation of all.

Grabbing a bit of charcoal from the fire-pit, I scribble the last known coordinates of my ship and how far from there I estimate I am. I date the letter, sign it, and squeeze it into the bottle. I cork it firmly and give it a few shakes to ensure the seal’s durability. I lick my finger, testing the wind speed. It is windy enough today but I need higher ground.

From the top of the cliff I notice that the tide is moving outward and this is just what I want. I say a quick sailor’s prayer over the bottle, raise my arm, and with every ounce of strength I can muster, I throw the bottle into the sea. I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle.

~*~

                A year has passed since I wrote my note. Some days I wonder what’s come of my message-in-a-bottle. Was it found? Is help currently on its way? Suppose it sank, now in the clutches of Davy Jones. What would come of me then?

Since the day I sent my bottle on its grand journey, I keep up with my routine: hunting, fishing, checking my water basins. Some days I will spend the whole day exploring the dense jungle that lies beyond my white beaches. I will go in and walk, turning over rocks, climbing trees, whatever strikes me as interesting. I was also very happy to discover deep within my satchel was a book – Geoffrey Chaucer’s “The Canterbury Tales”. Some of the pages were ruined, their words washed away, but the majority of the book is legible. Whenever I’m inclined to do so I read, filling in the missing passages with ideas of my own. Some nights when I lie down to sleep I find I re-tell the stories to the swaying palm trees. Other nights I make up my own adventures, imaginings of what I would be doing had I made it to the New World. Dreamily, I tell my sagas of exploring new lands and fighting savages to the patiently listening trees.

One night I am forced to sleep in my hovel due to a tropical storm. The wind howled throughout the night and I heard many branches and coconuts fall to the ground. At sunrise I notice all the debris upon the beach and I spend much of the morning clearing away sticks, leaves, and seaweed.

By late morning I quite fancy a walk but I notice the jungle looks different – everything appears altered. I come to the water’s edge and follow it, circling the island. I notice the wind has pushed aside rocks and logs and the tide has formed a small creek that now snakes its way through the dense forest. Curious, I follow the creek to see where it leads. I come to a shallow pool and stop. I don’t believe what I saw, a hundred million bottles washed upon the shore.

I run to the bottles, each has a note tucked inside. I grab as many as I can carry and take them to a nearby boulder. Perched upon my mossy seat, I pry open the first bottle and read the note. I do the same to the next bottle. And the next. Soon enough I have read all of the messages. Some are panicked cries for help, some are factual descriptions of their whereabouts, others comprise of poetry and good-byes. A hundred million cast aways, looking for a home.

By the time I finished each of the letters I realize I am in tears, not because I worry for my own self but because I have been so lonely and in despair. These feelings were due to my isolation and a sense of loneliness but these bottles show me I am not alone: there are countless other cast aways who share my feelings of isolation and hope. Knowing I am not alone fills me with a new optimism. Only hope can keep me together and I embrace this feeling. I know now I am not the only soul staring up at the stars, watching the waves crash upon the shore, or the only one at the campfire.

As the days continue to roll by I think of my fellow cast aways, read their letters, and make inferences about their characters. What did they do before they were stranded? Where were they headed? Are they surviving?

One day I realize the letters are not mine to keep, I must return the bottles to the sea. I reseal each of them, wishing the composers of the letters luck, and send the bottles back upon their journey to help. I watch as the bottles bob in the waves as they slowly sail beyond the horizon.

With the warm glow of hope still alive in my chest, I wait until my bottle is also found.