Questionable “Harry Potter”-inspired Parenting Advice

 Perhaps it is time to shake up your mundane Muggle parenting techniques or you just simply feel as though you were Obliviated and have absolutely no idea what you’re doing. Whatever your reason,why not teach your children with advice that is inspired by the Wizarding World? Its just your children’s future, how bad can it be? 

1) Sort your kids into Houses once they reach the age of eleven. To do this, buy a hat, place it upon their heads, and based upon their characteristics and qualities, sort them into one of the mighty houses of Hogwarts. Prior to their sorting you can encourage good behaviour by reminding them that they don’t want to end up in Slytherin. Or worse – Durmstrang!

Tip: Decorate their bedrooms according to their house’s colours and symbology! What fun!


2) You could also allocate or take away House Points as your children complete chores, do their homework, and based upon other good or bad deeds.


3) When kids misbehave, put them in time-out and hand them a Time-Turner. Ask them what they did wrong and how they should’ve handled the situation. After taking away House Points for naughty behaviour, points can then be earned back according to the quality of their answer.

"No, Harry, that was wrong. Let's try again."
“No, Harry, that was wrong. Let’s try again.”

4) Your little Hinky Punk won’t eat their dinner? Tell them how sad the house elves will be when they see how much of the food they so lovingly prepared is left over. When Dobby sees how much asparagus is left on that plate Dobby will be very sad and nobody wants a sad Dobby. As long as the kid doesn’t threaten to call S.P.E.W. you’re alright.

If this doesn't make you sad, you're a Dementor!
If this doesn’t make you sad, you’re a Dementor!

5) While you should never force your children to sleep in a cupboard under the stairs, you don’t want to go all Dursley on your Dudley. That kid was spoiled rotten and his attitude and chins showed it. Be sure not to reach a stage where the kid rules over your household and you become their personal house elf. There isn’t enough birthday presents or birthday cakes to keep those kids happy.

Every time you spoil a child, Dudley grows a chin
Every time you spoil a child, Dudley grows a chin

6) Teach your kidlets not to share information that will jeopardize their safety and security by telling them what happened when Hagrid told the stranger in the hood about how to get Fluffy to snooze or when Neville lost the list of Gryffindor passwords.

Don't be this guy, kids.
Don’t be this guy, kids.

7) Teach your knee-biters about saving money by telling them about how they can get their own vault at a place like Gringotts. Whether you actually want to take them to a place filled with mean little goblins is your choice but I’m sure Griphook would be proud of your little saver.

Looks like a trustworthy face
Looks like a trustworthy face

8) Uh oh, there’s a death in the family. Take this time to teach your child about that while death is sad, it is also inevitable. So many of our beloved magical friends did not make it to see Voldemort’s end but even then the Deathly Hallows won’t bring them back to a happy life. Even Nicholas Flammel had a chat with Dumbledore and called it quits so live like Fred Weasley (may he rest in a laughing peace) and make sure every moment is full of laughter.


9) Your little spawn still won’t eat those veggies? It might be time to make a non-chalent comment about how Flitwick also never ate his greens and now he’s too small to play sports. Or have dessert.


10) If your little guy has no interest in a subject or their teacher keeps making a Trelawney of it, simply hire a centaur to teach it. Everything just got instantly cooler. Also a good time to tell your children about respect and equality!! We don’t want them going to the way of Umbridge.

About to go HAM on teaching Divinity!
About to go HAM on teaching Divinity!

11) When those rug-rats want a pet that is too much responsibility for them, don a moleskin coat, a shaggy and wild hairdo (paired with beard!) an’ explain to yer kids tha’ they need teh know how ter properly care fer Flobberworms before they can care fer tha’  Norwegian Ridgeback.

Listen to the professional, kids!
Listen to the professional, kids!

2 thoughts on “Questionable “Harry Potter”-inspired Parenting Advice

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