Hot Yoga: A Timeline of Thoughts

Before Arriving at the Studio

11:15 – Oh man I need to hurry up if I want to get there on time! Where are my towels?!

11:17 – Okay, do I have everything? Towels? Check. Water: Check. Mat: Check. Let’s gooooo.

11:25 – Am I the only one who knows how to drive?! Don’t other drivers know I have relaxation time to get to? Gawd.

11:26 – This attitude can’t be good for my practice. Let’s rehearse breathing nicely while singing happy songs.

11:33 – “OOPS I DID IT AGAIN TO YOUR HEAAAAAART GOT LOST IN THIS GAME OOH BAYBAY!!”

At the Studio

11:40 – Alright I made it. Time to be blissful.

11:41 – How much is that Ying Yang tank top? Its really cute. $35?! I can’t. The struggle is real today.

11:45 – Everyone here looks like they just stepped out of a Lululemon catalogue. Is my outfit yoga-y enough? Is that a word? No one judge me. I feel like MCHammer in these shorts.

11:46  – Well let’s go in. Nothing I can do about my outfit. They just can’t touch this.

In the Classroom

11:47 – Oh this isn’t too bad! I can work with this temperature.

11:48 – Where should I put my mat? Hmm not the front of the class. I kinda wanted that corner but would that lady think I’m weird? If I snuggle up next to Miss Corner Thief she will think I’m a little odd. I know I would judge me.

11:49 – Corner close to the door it is. Ooh maybe I’ll be able to feel the cool breezes when the door opens. Muahahaha!

11:50 – Alright, we’re lying down now. Let’s get comfy.

11:51 – Do I look weird with my eyes closed? I don’t know what to with my hands! How do I normally have my hands when lying down?! Omg and then there’s feet. That’s a whole different issue.

11:52 – Am I starting to sweat already? Jeez. Alright, well now that we’re comfy let’s empty our head of thoughts and get ready for getting our yoga on! I’m totally going to go HAM on this no-thinking thing! I’ll be one of those good yogis with the quiet brains.

11:54 – Do pigeons have feelings?

11:55 – SHUT UP BRAIN, NOT NOW.

11:56 – I can justify $35 for the tank top right? It would really bring out my calm and blissful personality whenever I wear it. Or I could wear it to my next class. Hmm would that be weird seeing as they sell it here? Would that look like I was trying too hard?

11:57 – This isn’t a quiet brain. That lasted for like 30 seconds which was pretty good for me. Let’s try again.

11:58 – Not thinking…not thinking…just breathing…

12:00 – And we have lift-off! But I was comfy lying down…Well, we’re not going to get abs lying down!

12:01 – God I want some abs. Do you think all these Sun Salutations will bring them out? Like if I really stretch will they just appear and stay there?

12:05 – Well hello legs…why are you so hairy?! Is this real or is it because my nose is practically touching my knees?! Oh dear. When’s the last time I shaved?

12:06 – I probably should’ve shaved before I came. I look like a yeti. Has anyone noticed? The lights are dim but who knows. Maybe someone here has laser vision?

12:07 – Hahahahahahaha imagine a yeti doing yoga!

12:08 – Don’t smile or you’ll look like a crazy person. Miss Corner Thief will definitely think you’re nuts.

12:09 – But a yeti in Dancer’s Pose would be so funny!

12:20 – Dude, I just held Crow Pose for like 7 seconds! New record!

12:21 – K we’re definitely getting our sweat on now. I feel like a racetrack for beads of sweat. My body is officially the Grand Prix of Perspiration. COOL.

12:27 – Man, look at that chick. She’s like a pretzel. Or a cooked spaghetti noodle.

12:28 – I’m hungry.

12:30 – Oh my God I’m so sweaty. Let’s take a look around to make sure I’m not the only standing in their own self-created Great Lake.

12:31 – What the eff? Why isn’t that chick sweating? She has a nice glisten while I might as well grow some gills and just accept that I’ll be swimming in my own sweat soon. With my luck I’d get gills instead of abs.

12:35 – What would I wear with that Ying Yang tank top?

12:38 – Quick transition into Baby Cobra you say?  Non-chalent face wipe onto the towel it is!

12:40 – This is getting hard. How am I supposed to do Eagle Pose when I’m so slippery and tired? Maybe my leg hair will bind together and help me hold the pose. Is that possible?

12:41 – What the Hell am I talking about? Its getting weird up in here and I’m blaming the heat.

12:52 – Please tell me we’re going to sit soon! Why do I put myself through this torture?

12:57 – Oh my goodness sitting rocks. Lying down is even better. This is the best part of class. Shavasna is my best friend.

1:00 – I survived! I am flexible! I am strong! I AM WOMAN!

1:01 – I don’t even know what that means. Obviously I am a woman. Ugh, whatever, I’m too tired to care. Let’s lie here in bliss for a little longer.

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